“I expect nothing as I open to experience the infinite potential of the moment and fearlessly connect with all.” – Rebecca
Have you ever had your heart broken? How did you respond? Did you shut down and ward off love or did you grieve and grow into your next loving bond? Has heartbreak left you jaded or cynical only partially showing up for your relationships? Love is the glue holding humanity together and the ultimate experience you can have in your embodied form. This includes all of your relationships, not just a primary love interest. But, if your capacity for love is limited then you are missing out on the best that life has to offer.
So how do you give and receive love on all levels and not be hurt? Loving requires you to keep your heart open, allow your vulnerabilities to show and be sensitive to another’s vulnerabilities. This seems like a tall order in the emotionally risky world we live within. I assure you it is possible. The answer is to eliminate expectations and release attachments. Then posture yourself in a curious state of being and embrace all with a loving connection.
This is an ideal state of being and a goal to seek in each moment. You will not do this perfectly so please don’t judge the results, rather keep your focus on the goal in the next moment. It is not something you can pay lip service to either, you must truly be in this state to understand and experience the benefits. It is simple, yet not at all easy.
One important note, before I dive into further explanation. You will still experience grief, the full emotional and sensory range of experiences. These are all a natural part of your human experience. They are not harmful when you simply allow them to be felt, experienced in the moment and released. Love, loss, sensing and feeling are the things that bring depth, richness and meaning to your life.
ELIMINATE EXPECTATIONS AS YOU POSTURE WITH CURIOSITY
An expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. It is when you rigidly hold onto an idea about what will happen and it becomes a measure against which reality is judged. This comes with many pitfalls and limitations. Whereas embracing a state of curiosity in which one maintains a strong desire to know or learn something, the possibilities are limitless. Curiosity postures you in an open state to receive more of the energy coming your way and the conscious focus to be able to recognize it. This is especially true of things that fall outside the realm of what your mind typically expects. Posturing this way creates a profound state of presence.
Give freely of yourself and expect nothing in return.
I am speaking here in terms of relationships and connection with other people. Not, the negotiated contract and exchange of work for money in the marketplace. But think about this for a minute; you show up for work, do the job you agreed to do and then you expect to be paid according to the terms of your contract. This typically goes according to the plan and if not there are the courts and laws to address the issue.
Personal relationships though, are not so black and white. Think about your personal relationships, do you have unwritten terms and expectations of what you will receive in response to your investment in the connection? Most people do. Have these terms that you expect been discussed and agreed upon? Oftentimes, they are not. If you bring assumptions to your relationships the unspoken expectations are silently in your consciousness or subconsciousness until there is a violation. At which point you must face the discord between your expectations and what is occurring. But if you have no expectations you eliminate the inner discord and you are able to be more present with what is actually happening.
When you are giving with expectations of reciprocity you are setting yourself up for negative feelings. Disappointment, hurt and anger are the most common. You are also at risk of missing a true appreciation for what you do receive because it falls into the mundane stream of what is expected. The alternative to this dire path is to open with curiosity to see how the offering of your time and energy is being received and the response that it evokes. Allow this to inform you about yourself and the other person and how you choose to subsequently interact.
With no expectations at play, anything you do receive can be experienced as a gift, a lovely surprise. This means letting go of any score keeping, holding a “you owe me” in your mind or resentment towards the other person. Simply adjust your time and energy input in the relationship to a comfortable level of giving that is free of any strings. In working with individuals and couples I find that expectations are a primary source of disharmony in their relationships.
Stay inquisitive about the human condition.
Everyone has their own history, patterns and willingness to exercise their freewill. Humans are complex and often unpredictable creatures. Another person will not respond or act the same way you would in any given situation. Release all expectations that they will. Personally this lesson has been one that took time, quite a bit of confusion and struggle before it really settled in. This experience prompted a deep desire within me to understand others and this motivation generated my research in applied energetics. The work has brought more love into my life than I could ever have imagined.
To encourage love in your life, you want to posture yourself in a state of curiosity. Then inquisitively observe how others respond to you and life in general. Clear your mind of all preconceived notions and assumptions. Notice how their response is as expected and where it is not, this will inform you as much about yourself as the person you are perceiving. Stay curious about it all. Engage each moment with the sentiment: “I wonder what will happen next… Anything could happen… I don’t know what will happen but I am going to stay present and actively observe to find out”. This keeps you open to perceive the unexpected. Keep the observer part of yourself also noticing how you respond to the process of this reposturing, to others and to life as it unfolds.
ATTACHMENT VERSUS CONNECTION – CHECK YOUR MOTIVE
Always connect with love, never fear, to all in your life. Identify and eliminate all of your attachments. In this context, attachment is referencing a FEAR based bond while connection is referencing a LOVE based bond. Fear can be a great motivator. But, when action is taken with fear being the motivation, the outcome is inherently laden with constriction and a negative spin. There is an unnecessary loss of energy and stressful consequences will manifest. In contrast, when love is the underlying motive the outcome is creative and regenerative. This is not to say that what one intends will always occur. But with a loving motive, provided it is maintained, the optimal path and connections will be revealed and the right action will be found. Fear Not, Sense Only Love and Proceed!
Fear separates you from yourself, others and any loving connection.
Fear inherently produces separation and human suffering. The energy of fear creates a negative spin which brings constriction and density to the energy field. Attaching with a fear based bond to anything; a person, place, thing, idea, activity… will always put the desired outcome at risk. And regardless of whether the action taken with this motive is “successful” or not, there will always be a price to pay.
A common example of this in our society occurs around work and money. If fear of lack is what motivates you to get up and work hard, you may indeed make lots of money but the stress of being in this state will compromise your health and shorten your life. The alternative is to embrace all aspects of work with love. This is easiest and best if you are doing work that you naturally love. But if this is not the case, then it is even more important to find love based motives. This could be working to take care of loved ones or oneself. Or, it could be a matter of connecting in love with your coworkers and other people you encounter during work.
In relationships, engagement with others from fear creates a barrier to intimacy and it blocks love. Do you ever do things because you are afraid of losing your bond with someone? Do you behave inauthentically or withhold because you are afraid of how someone will respond or what someone will think of you? Anytime fear is the reason behind your choices and actions it constricts the possibility of the exchange. Have you heard the quote, “If you love somebody, then let them go, if they return they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were”. This is the sentiment in which you ideally want to hold all facets of all of your relationships, especially those closest to you. Love deeply as you hold them ever so gently in the moment.
Love is a courageous endeavor; not for the faint of heart.
Love is always the better choice. Love is real, intimate, creative and the only way to truly bond with other humans. So why don’t people choose it? Because it requires courage to override fears and stay in the vulnerabilities of love. It means you need to assume ownership and responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and grief. And you need to stay current with processing these energies to be present in the reality of the moment.
If you attach responsibility outside of yourself, you will become entangled in a fear laden struggle which will disempower you and block your potential for connection. Likewise, unresolved grief forms an attachment to the past that also presents a barrier to love. Loss is an inevitable part of life. This makes grief an essential skill. There is the quote “Sometimes when a heart breaks, it breaks open”. I began to explore the meaning of this after a particularly difficult breakup. I found that when I fully allowed my grief to be felt and released there was an expansion that occured. The energy of my heart space becomes bigger and my capacity to love greater.
In speaking of the capacity to love, it is important to note that fearless love must begin with you. You are only able to love others to the degree that you are able to love yourself. This places self love at the core of loving with complete abandon. Do you allow fear to inhibit your experiences in life or stop you from doing things that would be beneficial to your growth or general well being? Do you do things that are not good for you because of fear of what will occur if you don’t? The way to posture here is; “I fear not as I am fully present and open. I first love myself unconditionally, experiencing all that is occurring in this moment. Then, I love others with complete abandon.”